Sprouting ideas.

I feel kind of like our bean plants.

Several weeks ago my son and I were watching an episode of Curious George in which George learned that if you plant things in the ground, they will grow. Of course, being a curious monkey, George tried planting papers and keys and orange juice to make them grow, and The Man with the Yellow Hat explained that plants grow, and keys do not. At the end of the segment, it showed some real-live school kids putting beans on a wet paper towel on a paper plate, and then putting that inside of a Ziploc bag for the beans to sprout. He was ecstatic at the idea and wanted to sprout some beans, as well!

Well, okay!

I dug through our pantry and found some dry pinto beans. It was the best I could do on short notice. He also wanted to try an apple seed, and we happened to have apples, so I cut one and dug out the seeds. Hey, why not? We didn't have Ziploc bags, so I used a Crock Pot liner. I'm all for improvisation. (I do this a lot.)

A couple of days later, some of the beans had started to sprout! The little guy was SO PROUD!! After several more days, one of the apple seeds even perked up and started sprouting! I was pretty impressed with that, to be honest; they weren't organic apples so I didn't expect a whole lot of "life" to be in there.

Once the sprouts got big enough, I bought a planter and some potting soil, and planted them.

See, this is where it starts to get fuzzy. My mom has a green thumb -- my oldest sister would go so far as to call her a Green Witch; I, do not have a green thumb. My thumb isn't anywhere close to any shade of green. Neither is my other thumb, or any other finger-like appendages. Plants and I, we just don't get along. Once, I had a potted shamrock that my mom had given me that started getting sick; I took it to work for the fabulous double-green-thumbed custodian, an older lady named Alice, to check it out for me, and she refused to let me take it back home. It remained there when I left the job.

So, not having any clue what I was actually doing, I put the bean sprouts in dirt, and once the apple sprout got a little bigger, I put it in dirt, too.

AND THEN THE BEAN PLANTS GREW AND GREW AND GREW. Yes, that was in all caps for a reason. THEY GREW VERY FAST AND VERY BIG AND I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS HAPPENING, but as it turned out, the planter I got for them was way too small, and the weather was still cold, and our outside-garden (which, I may add, my husband, son, and a guy friend of ours are all in charge of, and not me) was still just in thought form. So the planter just kind of stayed in the office by the window, with the plants getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

And then one of the cats got shut in that room by accident, and ate off the leaves.

So I did all I knew how to do (which wasn't a lot) to try and get them to get some life back into them, and they started looking better. And then the leaves started turning yellow. And then the other cat got shut in the office accidentally and chewed on the plants again.

At that point I finally asked a classmate of mine who works at a greenhouse what the yellowing leaves meant. I was over-watering them, apparently. So I stopped watering them. And the dirt started molding. And then I really had no idea what to do about it. And now all but one of the plants looks really, really sad.

I kind of feel like that right now. Like I had all these new! exciting! ideas! that, once they started growing, I had no idea what to do with them, gave them too much attention, let some cats gnaw on them (or, you know, heard criticism about them, whichever), then started ignoring them, and now I'm kind of not sure where things are.

But I do know this:

We can still plant the one remaining good-ish bean plant now that the outside-garden has been created. And the little guy and I can sprout new beans and apple seeds now that I know more about what to do (KEEP THE CATS OUT OMG) and what not to do to let them grow healthily.

The same can be said for myself. It's okay to scrap what hasn't worked out, and try again with the newly-gained knowledge I have from the last round.

Stop complaining! Um, I mean... say thank you?

"Stop complaining! Appreciate what you have!" Pretty frequent outburst in our house.

The little one is going through a bit of a ... well, "nothing's good enough / I want more" phase. Either he should've picked a different toy than the one he got, or the one piece of cheese I surprised him with at breakfast should've been two, or he didn't get to play enough of the video game he was playing.

And of course, when we get frustrated with the stream of complaints and demand that he "Stop complaining!", he then argues that he wasn't complaining, and we argue that yes he was, and he argues that no he wasn't, and we ask him if he's saying we're wrong, and well, this is just boiling up to be a conversation in which no one can come out of it happy.

So, serendipity kicked in.

The book we were asked to read for my class at the School of Metaphysics was called A Complaint Free World. Now, here's a fun story. I didn't have the funds on hand to buy it from class that night, so my plan was to check the local library. They had it! On the wrong end of town. But I could request it to be moved nearby! Except there was a lock on my account due to lack of recent use. So I updated it and requested it! And selected the wrong location. Then when I got home from work, having realized on the drive home that I'd selected the wrong location and needed to correct it, I saw a package from Amazon sitting on the coffee table. It was the book!

My husband asked if I'd accidentally ordered it, and I assured him that, no, I did not accidentally click through several different confirmation steps on Amazon. I had, however, mentioned it to one very good friend, who had also read it, and was excited that I was going to, as well. I emailed her asking if she would happen to know anything about the book I'd mysteriously received in the mail with no note, and she said it must be magic. :)

So, I read it. No, that's putting it mildly; I mentally devoured it and wanted to point at it and say "YES, THIS" about a thousand times. I'm not sure how many pages are dog-eared, but I can tell you there's quite a few. It basically condenses the Law of Attraction into something very easy to understand -- wherever your thoughts are focused, that's what you get more of -- along with a How To guide to make it work for you -- stop complaining, and find a more solution-oriented way to say what you're trying to say. The book challenges you to go 21 consecutive days without complaining, gossiping, or criticizing; most people, it says, take an average of 4-8 months to make it those 21 days. Anytime you catch yourself complaining, gossiping, or criticizing, do something physical (move a bracelet to the other wrist, a ring to the other hand, a paperweight to the other side of your desk) to remind yourself, and start your count over.

Also? And here's where I circle back to the beginning part about my kid. It also says that if you catch someone else complaining and call them on it, you have to start over, too, because you're complaining about their complaining.

So um, how likely is it that the way I was addressing my 4 year old's regular complaints was, in itself, complaining or criticizing? "You're complaining again!" Yeah, I'd say that counts.

It also dawned on me... where do you think he's picked up this trait in the first place?

So, my current challenge? Find a way to correct my son's behavior in a way that encourages him to be more positive rather than punishing him for being negative.

For example, he's complaining about brushing his teeth at bedtime. Instead of "Quit griping and just do it" (which leads to him rolling his eyes at me, and me saying "Did you seriously just roll your eyes at me?", and both of us getting generally grumpy with each other) I remind him how awesome it is that he gets to use the apple banana toothpaste that I know he thinks is really yummy, because he could be using the mint toothpaste he doesn't like, but he has his own. special. yummy. toothpaste. just for him. And, okay, he doesn't totally buy it, but *I* feel like a better mom for handling it that way instead of "Quit griping and just do it."

Or if he's grumping about bedtime, instead of telling him to "Stop grumping, you're going to bed regardless," I tell him that bedtime is one of my favorite times because we get to read a story together and sing a song and snuggle and I really like when it's a happy time, don't you? So can you please do your best to keep it a happy time?

It's a totally different energy. Now, when I catch him griping about something (which is still often; I don't expect miracles overnight), I ask him to think of something really good about whatever he's griping about. Or if it's something like, "Only one piece of cheese?" I give him The Eyebrow and prompt him, "Thank you for the cheese, Mommy," which he dutifully repeats.

As for me, I'll admit it, getting him ready in the mornings or ready for bed at night are probably my two most difficult times of day for remaining complaint-free. But I have found that it's making me a lot more aware of where my words, thoughts and energy are going. If something's making me grumpy or snarky or angry, I have the ability to pause and think of a more productive way of phrasing it, something more solution-oriented than problem-oriented.

How cool is that, to be in a place where you can tell yourself, "I could complain right now if I wanted to, but I choose not to"? Or, "I could yell at him about this, or I can ask him to keep things happier with me"? Pretty cool, that's how cool.

Who are you?

I've been going to a lot of networking events in recent months, and most of the time, after I say that I'm a life & personal growth coach, I get the glazed eyes and the tilted head and the question, "So, what do you do...?"

My stock answer has recently become, "I work with people who want to get to know who they really are, outside of the roles that define them; I do a lot of clarifying with them to help them find out what they really want, outside of what they feel they should; I work with them to create a plan to get from where they are now to where they want to be; and I keep them accountable about it."

A big part of that, and a big part of what I "do" with clients, "really," is about finding your Self in the midst of being somebody's wife, somebody's mom, somebody's sister, somebody's employee, or the guy that you seem to think society wants you to think you ought to be. Who are you in there? What do you want from your life? I often hear people limiting themselves based on the expectations that comes with the roles they play, and I challenge them to examine the labels they've been given, and see if they fit, or if they'd like to peel them off.

What has come to my attention in the past few days, however, is that this isn't just about others. We give ourselves labels a lot of the time, too, and then mold ourselves to fit the idea of what our label tells us we are. For example: I'm clingy, so if I expect someone to call me when they say they will, that's just me being clingy. What if that isn't being clingy and is simply expecting the people around you to be accountable? How different would that feel? Or: I'm socially awkward, so if I try to hang out with people and we don't get along, it's my fault, because I'm the socially awkward one. What if it's really the other person(s) being exclusionary, or they're just not the type of person you'd get along with? How could that be different?

Spend some time thinking about the things you say abut yourself, the words you use to define yourself. What words don't feel good to you? And, knowing that you can change who you are and who you want to be in any given moment, what words would you rather use? What words feel better?

Find some good words to use for yourself. If you're going to label yourself, and then mold yourself to fit the label, why not make yourself into something awesome?

Routine (or, you know, whatever).

One of my goals for this year is to find a good balance between flexibility and structure.

I seem to be caught in this loop lately: I realize that I need to give myself lots of choices and keep things very flexible, or else I start to feel boxed in or trapped or confined by "have to's" and start rebelling; but, leaving things too flexible leaves me too much room to not do anything at all, so I start trying to structure things (flexibly, with lots of choices) to make sure I'm doing something... then the structure feels too "have to" (for example: I don't want to have to do something from this list, or I don't want to have to record it on a spreadsheet), and I rebel and realize I need more flexibility and choices, then I do nothing, then I realize I need to structure it somehow... My goal for this year is to figure this out, somehow, whether it means finding some way to not feel so trapped by structure, or finding a more flexible way to structure things.

Or, perhaps I simply need to change my terminology.

It occurred to me one day when we'd just gotten home from shopping, and I asked my son to wash his hands. "After shoes and coat!" he informed me as he was running to his room. I started to argue, as we've been having the "Please do what I ask, when I ask it" conversation a lot lately, but my husband intervened. "That's his routine," he said. "First he changes his shoes, then he takes off his coat. Then he'll wash his hands."

A light bulb went on. "Routine." I started playing with that. What's my routine? Do I even have a routine? I set down my purse, take off my coat, kick off my shoes... and then what? And it occurred to me, what if I were to simply make the things I have a hard time following through on a part of my routine?

So I've been experimenting with this. I walk in the door, set down my purse, turn on the dryer (to knock the wrinkles out of the load that will invariably be sitting in it from a previous day), take off my coat (and hang it), take off my shoes (in the bedroom, and put them away), and then fold some clothes. As part of my routine. Not because I have to, not because it's on my schedule, not because I need to make a checkmark on a spreadsheet, but simply because that's my new thing now. It's my routine. It's just what I do.

And magically, the laundry isn't piling up. In fact, I'm running out of empty hangers.

The fact that the litter box is next to the washer and dryer allows me to add into my routine, checking to see if the litter box needs to be scooped. If it does, well, that just gives the dryer another few minutes to knock the wrinkles out of the clothes.

Amazing what a simple word replacement can do for the way you think of something.

I used to know someone who had issues with "Why?" but could very curiously and happily ask, "How come?"

What about if you want to make healthier food choices but don't want to go on a "diet"? What if, instead, you were to "give your body more appropriate fuel"? Or what if you chose to "experiment" by seeing how your body reacts when you eat different foods, and then choose how you want your body to feel?

What is something you're stuck on right now? Is there a particular word associated with it that really makes you cringe? What different word could you use, that could feel better and work better for you?

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Something I work on with clients is finding an empowering way to phrase what you want to do, and finding an appropriate way to measure getting there. If this is something that may interest you, I'm currently offering a 10% discount off your first payment when you decide to coach with me. For more information visit http://www.lifespiralingforward.com.

Moderation in social networking.

I've seen a lot of folks lately talking (or, I guess, typing) about wanting or needing to spend less time on their social media habits - some, even to the point of going cold turkey OFF of them altogether. I can see the value in that - I will fully admit that I occasionally realize I'm spending way too much time surfing Facebook rather than, say, well, doing absolutely anything else, and every now and then I'll say ENOUGH and cut myself back to just checking "the important things" a few times a day, when it is not otherwise interrupting something that is a higher priority.

However, in just the past week, thanks to my using Facebook, I have located a store in town that sells raw, local honey (my two usual sources are tapped out); I have figured out what most likely killed one of our goldfish, corrected the problem, and have seen vast improvement in the other goldfish; and I have connected with a former short-term coaching client, who wants to re-begin coaching next month.

I've also heard the argument that Facebook (et al) has become a substitute for making real connections with those you know - pecking out a few phrases on a keyboard, witnessing their life through the screen, rather than picking up the phone, writing a letter, or having coffee in person. And, to a degree, that's valid - if you COULD have coffee with some of these friends, why not do it? But, what about the friends who live in different time zones, different cities, work different hours, etc., who you may never actually reach out to via those means? What if you're just not a phone person? What if, without social media, you may not have some of these people in your life at all? Some of most of whom you may a truly value as good friends, even if you never see or talk to each other.

So, what's to be said for moderation here? I see so many people go to extremes with this kind of thing, and me, I personally live in a world made entirely of different shades of gray. You don't have to be "one of those people" who is "always" vegging out on the internet just because you enjoy surfing social media sites, any more than you would have to close your accounts to be able to use the rest of your time wisely. There are benefits, and there are detriments. Just like anything else in your life, it's all about finding the balance that works for YOU, and using these tools in ways that are positive for you. It's about responsible choices way more than it's about the website where you're making them.

Day 30 - The "real" goals.

Today is the last day of November, and thus, the last day I will be posting daily. Of course, by "daily" I mean "mostly daily," obviously.

While I didn't necessarily meet the goal to post "daily," I'm honestly not too surprised by that; I have a history of problems with "have to's," even if they're my own "have to's" that I've given myself, and for some reason I just seem to have this vague need to rebel against them every now and then. I'm not thrilled with that about myself, but I've accepted it, and it's not at the top of my list of things to work on at the moment, so we'll just leave that there for right now.

What I can say, though, is that the "daily" part of it was just sort of a guideline to get me started. My real goal when deciding to do NoJoMo on this blog was to get myself out of my self-defeat boxes -- the ones labeled "It has to be perfect before I can posted," and "It's been so long since I've written that now it REALLY has to be good." In the mostly-daily posts, I feel like some of them were pretty good, and others I sort of winced at, but still posted. Thus, I have definitely broken out of those boxes, and daily or not, I feel I've reached my goal.

I've also learned that by trying to come up with something to write about every day, I normally don't get around to really thinking about it until about 9:30 at night, and don't get around to posting something until closer to 11pm. After this month, I'm thinking that spending a few days thinking about what would be worth posting, and then actually posting it at a decent time, might be worth trying out. My current goal: Tuesday and Friday afternoons. Should the mood happen to strike me to write something on a Monday night, I'll write it then -- and then revisit it to post Tuesday afternoon. That, hopefully, will give me the flexibility to get around my issue with "have to's."

It's been fun, though, and I'm glad I did this. I occasionally need a kick in the butt, and this did it. Thanks to everyone who followed along!

Day 29 - It's okay to be grumpy sometimes.

It's been one of those days -- lots of heavy, irritated sighs, and lots of muttering, "Really?!"

This is something I still struggle with. Not that I struggle with having the occasional bad day -- I mean, I do, and I'm always striving more and more to see the bright side, opportunities, positives and lessons. What I struggle with is being okay with myself when I'm not 100% optimistic.

I used to be a very negative person, I'll just put that out there. There was always something wrong with everything, and I was basically never happy with anything. In fact I was probably my happiest when I had something major and dramatic to gripe about. Once I started working with my first life coach and moving past that into something healthier, I learned to see the good in things... and, I've discovered, the pendulum swung so far to the other direction that I don't feel like it's okay to get grumpy every once in a while or to be disappointed in anything.

And some days, let's be honest, it's just hard to see a bright side about getting a sore throat, and it's hard not to mutter, "Really?!" when, for example, you go to blogger to write a post about being cranky and saying "Really?!" a lot, and get a 503 error when the page is trying to load. After the internet had died for a while earlier in the evening, anyway. (Insert heavy, irritated sigh, here.)

What really opened my eyes to where my pendulum seems to have swung was a conference I attended last July, where one of my favorite people on the planet is an instructor. She is the most loving, joyful, wise, giving person, with the greatest sense of self of anyone I have ever known. She is who she is, and who she is, is absolutely amazing. So when I heard her speak in class about being disappointed by one of the conference events being too rushed, unemotional, and anticlimactic, I really perked up. She, who teaches classes on how to be joyful, who has "joybringer and light bearer" on her business card (and accurately so), wasn't happy with something?

I actually approached her about it, and she told me (and you have to hear this in an English accent), "It is absolutely okay to be disappointed with an anticlimax." She even went so far in class to discuss some of the silly things she'll occasionally get upset about. Listening to her was a good first step in helping me realize that I don't have to beat myself up for not being absolutely happy with absolutely everything, absolutely all of the time.

But I'm still working on it.

And today is giving me lots of opportunity to be okay with the fact that sometimes, I'm just grumpy, and things are just annoying. It helps to remember that it's not permanent, and at the same time, giving myself the permission to just be cranky when I need to, also helps me move past it when it's no longer doing me any good.